Divorce is a sad, frustrating experience for children. Two of the most important people in their young lives won’t be living together anymore, and that sucks. As a parent, you should do everything to ensure you save your kids from lifelong emotional wounds.
I remember a client was telling me something. This was a long time ago, way before I started practicing. It was a client on a case. And she said her goal was that she did not want to give her children a childhood they had to recover from. And it hit me because I’m like, don’t we all want that? That’s exactly it. Everybody’s going to have bumps when divorcing. But you just want to minimize its impact on your children as much as you can. And if you can, just try to calm down the chaos.
You know, let’s talk about six ways to make sure your children don’t have a childhood they have to recover from. Right? How to get divorced without ruining your children’s childhood.
1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
The news of your divorce is likely to come as a shock, and your kids’ initial reaction might be to cry. However, there are a few things to remember that make that first conversation about divorce as seamless as possible.
First, it’s crucial to break the news to your children as soon as you’re sure of your plans to get divorced. My advice? Hold this delicate conversation when both parents are present.
Second, irrespective of your kid’s age, tell them they are not to blame for the divorce. This goes beyond giving them the details of your separation. It extends into their feelings.
Often, kids aren’t able to understand that things and people can live independently of each other. They will take the blame for everything, including your impending divorce. It’s important to tell your kids that sometimes adults might be better off living apart. But at the same time, reassure them that parents and their kids are together forever. And that they won’t abandon each other or stop loving each other.
One more thing, encourage your kids to share their concerns. At this point, you’ll hear things like: Whom will I live with? Will I still get to see my friends? What will the divorce be like once you’re divorced? The list is endless. But the important thing is to let them vent out their concerns as they arise. Don’t rush it. If anything, this is the time you need to be super patient with them.
And if you notice your kids a little uncomfortable talking to either one of you, encourage them to voice their feelings and concerns to a family friend, grandparents, aunts—make sure it’s a trusted confidante and that they’re available. While at it, validate their feelings of loss. Make them understand that it’s OK to feel sad about divorce and that they can take whatever time they need to internalize their feelings.
2. Be Supportive
Helping your kids to cope with divorce is absolutely critical.
I tend to think that it’s much worse for them. In their eyes, you can do no wrong. That’s why it can be confusing and traumatic to see you two go separate ways.
The children feel like their world is coming to an end because everything they grew up knowing, including that little bubble we call family, is falling apart. It would be best if you were supportive and tender when helping your children through the whole process.
Even if it’s not in the form of talking, nonverbal support like taking a stroll, sitting together, or watching a favorite movie together can also help them in the coping process.
I often tell our divorcing clients to keep heated discussions, visible squabbles, and legal talk away from the kids. That’s no way to show support.
3. Let Them Speak from The Heart
Yes, you are a mess. But your children don’t have to be. To get them on track during and after divorce, encourage honesty. Reassure them that their feelings matter and that they shouldn’t shun from speaking their hearts out.
“How is that even possible?” You ask. Well, you can start by helping them put their feelings into words. Listen carefully to what they have to say. Even if they’re just mumbles, pay close attention. Say something like: “Hey baby, what’s making you sad? Do you want to talk about it?”
Before providing solutions, allow them to let it all out. The anger. The frustration. The disappointments. Legitimize their feelings. Even if they seem happy, excited, or relieved about the future, let them know that it’s OK, too.
4. Maintain a Healthy Relationship with the Other Parent
I know this is a hard one. But it’s the most crucial. You might feel disgusted at the mere sight of your spouse, but unless they were harsh to the kids or toxic to you, then sustaining a relationship with them is the best thing you can do for your kids.
Treat each other with respect. Be amiable with one another. You’re a grown-up. You got married. You had kids. Just in case you forgot, your children were once the crown of your marriage. They didn’t choose divorce, and they’re not to blame that you got one.
Seeing you and your spouse being cordial and respectful to one another will go a long way in helping the kids cope with the unfamiliar territory of divorce.
5. Speak Kindly about Your Soon-to-be Ex
It doesn’t matter who you think is in the wrong. Remain neutral when talking about your spouse to (or around) your children. After all, they’ll always be your kid’s other parent.
If you don’t have any kind words, then don’t speak at all. Your tongue can easily make children hate their father or mother. And trust me, that’s no way to help the little ones cope with the storm that comes with divorce.
Try and remember how amazing your partner was at parenting before things went haywire. They’re still the same caring, patient, dependable, compassionate (add your own traits here!) they’ve always been. So cut them some slack.
6. Make Sure Your Kid’s Normal Routine Doesn’t Change.
Kids love normalcy. They love routine. They love to have their drop-off schedules, play dates, extracurricular activities followed through.
The worst thing you can do during or after divorce is to change their routine. Get this from me. These ‘normal’ activities are what make their young lives tick. So depriving them of a sense of normalcy would plunge them deeper into confusion and sadness.
I know just how challenging divorce can be both for the parents and kids. But as the parent, you need to realize that it’s your responsibility to ensure that your kids come out of this experience unscathed. So, mind how you act and speak around your little gems because it can ruin their childhood. Frederick Douglas once said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” All the best in your future endeavors! For more information contact us today and we’ll be more than willing to assist!